A Tough Day

What a day!! I don't know what it is but today was awful emotionally. I am just so exhausted and overwhelmed by everything that is going on. I realized today that I work to stay busy when my hubby is out because it provides a great distraction and sense of worth that I need. Right now I'm feeling everything that I despise, I feel useless, lazy, and pretty much ugly. I know that sounds awful, but seriously. With a five minute shower every other day it kind of feels like what is the point. I just can't wait for Jon to come home and help me. Being at home on bedrest shouldn't be that hard but it really is the hardest thing I have ever done. I try to think of it as training for something like a marathon, or competition but the truth is I can' t see the reward in sight yet with such a long, long way to go, and with an athletic competition instead of just watching your belly grow and counting every new streatch mark you actually get to see definition, increased energy and less fat! I wish I knew what would help me feel better, so that all of you wouldn't be worrying about me, and truly I am just venting at the moment. I don't think there is anything that will help except for time, which I am constantly reminded that currently I have an excess of that. Even sleep is disrupted by insomnia. I feel like groundhog day over and over again. I know this journey is going to have many more ups and downs, it just feels like such a lower down when I am alone, without Jon and if I may for a moment, thank him sarcastically for causing all of this in the first place. :) Well not really.... but blaming him for just that second did make me feel better. Maybe that's it I'll just keep blaming him for all this until he gets home!

I know I have so much to be grateful for and that things could be so much worse than they are, but I just want everyone to know how much I miss life, work and the regular activity I was able to do up until now!!

Good news is that American Idol is on tonight and the TV and I have become quite good friends, with an endless supply of "A Baby Story" "Judge Judy" and others, there is plenty of entertainment. Thanks for listening and continuing to support us. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself, but I just have to get it out there so I can move on to tomorrow.

Love, Jes